Hung Over and Recovering

So I had too much drink last night and had a mild hang over this morning. It was a decent night at another friend's birthday party. Today is also my brothers birthday, he is nineteen today. I kind of miss him. Which is odd because normally I can't stand being around him for more than a minute. We just not got along to well. Maybe our personalities are too different or too similar. I am not sure. I just miss seeing him or having him around. I find myself unable to put my finger on what exactly I miss about him. 

Liz is coming up to visit soon which I am very excited about. I did not hang out with her enough over winter break. I regret that. I don't have any idea what we will do when she comes up here, but I am sure we will find something. 

So recently I have been very self assured of my ability in making art and drawing. Yesterday we had Paul Caster for figure drawing. It was unexpected and deeply unnerving. Yet, I really enjoyed it. It felt good to have my skills put into perspective. I am wanting to work even harder now. I came to MIAD to learn how to draw the figure and to watch him teach, to see the knowledge he held, reaffirmed my coming to Milwaukee. 

in time of daffodils(who know

the goal of living is to grow)

forgetting why,remember how

in time of lilacs who proclaim

the aim of waking is to dream,

remember so(forgetting seem)

in time of roses(who amaze

our now and here with paradise)

forgetting if,remember yes

in time of all sweet things beyond

whatever mind may comprehend,

remember seek(forgetting find)

and in a mystery to be

(when time from time shall set us free)

forgetting me,remember me 

e.e.cummings

The long weekend of winter 2009

I have had a lot of nightmares lately. Always about my family and dead animals. Kind of fucked up. 

So, we ended up having a five day week end. This odd event took place because of two reasons : the two snow days and MLK day. Thus far I have found it odd, slightly boring, slightly dull, slightly relaxing, and somewhat frustrating.  Thursday I hung out with one of my ex's. It was nice, simple. We went to target and he also brought me muffins. After that I went at hung out with a newer friend. This semester I am trying to cultivate new friendships. Maybe in places I won't normally look for one. I stayed out till four in the morning. It was nice. I also got hit on I guess, but her neighbor. That was slightly unnerving. 

On Friday I went to gallery night. It felt good to go out and see some nice work, done both by my professors and my peers. I really enjoyed Shane's show. It was very moving. It kind of slowly lured you in. Like looking at it longer allowed you to see more. 

Then last night I went to a friend's birthday party. It kind of sucked. Okay, it really sucked. But not because of her. The people there were not my favorite people. She however is an awesome person. I wish I had a class with her this semester. After her party we went to a frat party. Which was tolerable, but I am glad I do not go to parties much anymore, especially frat parties. 

Things with my roommate are okay. Mostly because he is gone so much. I know he is aware of my dislike for him to some extent or another. I am just leery. He has changed so much, so rapidly. I have learned that when someone is capable of that much change, so fast, they tend to change a lot and not have any real values or core personality. I may just be overly harsh though in my assessment of his mental state. 

I miss my mom and my dad a lot. I kind of wish I was going home this summer to live with them again. I really miss them. So many good memories are attached to them, it is hard to not see them more than a couple of times a year. 

First day of class, Spring 2009

So today was the first day of class. All bodes well. I like my writing teacher and my biology teacher. I also have the same drawing teacher I had last semester, which I am happy about. I like him and I think it is good to sometimes have a continuity with a teacher. Things with my roommate seem to be going okay. Not great, but livable and polite to say the least. Maybe the counseling at Marquette will help. 

On a completely unrelated note, I have always had a close and deep rooted relationship with my dream life. I view it on equal grounds with my waking life. Both cannot be fully remembered while the other is being experienced. Yet both have profoundly affect my mood and ideas. What happens in my dreams often leads to an idea for art or influences my mood for a whole day in my waking life. While a scary experience or running into an old friend will trigger dreams. 

An odd things occurs to me when I dream. My dreams are always explicitly intermingled with my memories. I often have dreams which, in them contain memories long since forgotten.

I remember the night I got home for thanksgiving I had a dream in which I returned to my childhood home (which incidently looked nothing like the apartment we lived in). In the house I found all of my childhood toys. Many I had forgotten about until that dream. Upon waking I rummaged through the dream and found that, while many things in the dream were inaccurate, the recollection of the toys was completely accurate.

I think that because of this love of both my waking and dreaming life, dawn and dusk have become my favorite times of the day. When everything is in visible changes. 

p.s. I started reading Rudolf Arnheim's Art & Visual Perception. I want to see if it is as good/dry as everybody says.   

So I have been avoiding a lot lately. Yet, oddly enough I have been forced to confront a lot about myself. All in all ( a terrible way to start a sentence by the way) this winter break was done a lot for me. The following list will describe the revelations that have come to pass. 

#1. I have realized a lot about the way I avoid people. There seems to be a dichotomy in how I associate with people. I am unsure whether my avoidance of interaction is chemical or stems from rejection. This rejection could be partly my fault and a self-filling prophecy. It is a giant tangled mess and i just don't know what do to, but try and do what feels right. ( Even if it means taking the side door on the bus to avoid having to walk past the bus driver or crossing the street to avoid eye contact with someone.)

#2. Relationships. I have realized how good my first boyfriend was to me and how much I took for granted the way he treated me. I miss that. I have also realized that the "relationship" that developed last year ended for a reason. I now see these reasons and am glad that it ended. We both created this false image of the other and tried to live in that falsehood. It didn't last.

#3. Friends. I don't have many people I consider real friends. Liz of course is a good friend and always will be. But the friendship has definitely changed. Being back at home and then coming back to school in mke has made me realize that I don't have many friends. The reasons are contingent on my mood that day, but the fact remains, the number of friends I have has dwindled. I only talk to two people back home. At school, things have drastically changed since the previous year. 

Well that is all for now. I am gonna to meditate and get ready for the first day of classes tomorrow, for which, I am stoked. 

p.s. That is a picture from sophomore year of high school. So I was 16. Wow, seven years ago. 

Packed

All my bags are packed and I am ready to leave. 

Sadly it is my last night in indy, and I have no one to hang out with. 

So to cope I am listening to pandora, which I am really enjoying. 

I tried to contact one of my ex's all break, but to no avail. 

MKE here I come. Hopefully the damage repair will be at a minimum. 

Well at least there will be an acid bath to use.